Vigil

Tough weekend.  First, my grandfather and his failed health, then the last 'hip concert.

Both because of cancer.

Cancer sucks.

I sit here yawning my face off, checking for news on gramps.  I dread it, yet know it is coming.  He hasn't eaten or drank anything for three days now; even a healthy strong body would be in dire condition, never mind one suffering from cancer and chemo.  At least there was an opening at the hospice house.  We did some electrical work there years ago, I remember the kindness of the staff despite the harsh job they had.  I've been told that my family is visiting with him, turning him over every few hours and giving him medication for pain.  He will not be alone, that is certain.

I had thought about running to Vernon to say a final goodbye, but would that be for him, or for me?  I was there a couple months ago and had a visit with him.  We chatted about his metal detectors, I showed him a booklet of war stamps I had found inside some of my other grandfathers things and he talked about how he had used his money from the stamps to buy a sack of peanuts.  It kept him in snack food for weeks!

There would be no talking now.

I'm not sure what would have happened to cause him to become unresponsive.  It wouldn't be his choice, I'm sure.  Maybe this has happened so that he can rest at the last, stop driving himself forward.  He learned to push to survive so hard during the war I'm sure it is quite the ingrained habit.  I'm not saying that is a bad thing, I think you should push ahead for as long as you can.  I just hope he is comforted as much as he needs.  He has not lost his mind to age, as sadly happens so often now.  Some might think that not being aware would be a good thing, but I don't think so.  He has lead a long life despite the circumstances he faced, I think he saw no reason to not simply keep on living!  And why not?  Fall was coming, berry picking and mushrooms and hunting.....

But his body has finally worn out.  That wonderful ability of our cells to replicate and heal injury has gone rogue and has wrecked the whole system.

Perhaps these last couple of days have been this way so he can come to an understanding of his life.

Perhaps these are things we tell ourselves to allay our own fears of the end that will find us one day.

For myself, I don't believe that this life is all that there is.  So tonight, as I sit in the dark waiting for news I can not change, I send out silent prayers that Grandpa John will forgive all who have wronged him as well as himself.  I pray he knows that we love him and will miss him and his smiles.

I'm sure that there is a parade of all his comrades who went before waiting to welcome him.

Especially Gump.

And there will be peace.

In only a few more years there will be no more veterans of WWII left to tell their stories.  If those remaining are like my grandfather, they have stories that they have never told, about things they hope no one ever has to know about.  I hope some tell their stories in full, about the things that we humans are capable of in those circumstances.  We enjoy the heroic tales, but gloss over and silence the uncomfortable ones.  The ones that show the madness that war brings.  Those are the ones we really need, I think.

We need to stop lying to ourselves, and mistreating our veterans.

Anyone who has been sent to active combat will need lots of counciling and support, and should be given it free for as long as it is needed.  I also think that the first pension payment for veterans who were under fire should be a cash payment in gold and silver based on face value.  (Gold Maple Leaf coins are $50/oz and silver are $5/oz).  Same for widows/families left behind.

Why?

Because it would be insanely expensive.  We would have to think long and hard before committing troops to any action.

Because we have the audacity to think being a soldier is just a job.

We ask these people to go into places on our behalf and face things that challenge the notion of civilization and sanity!  The cost has always been incredibly high, but not for most of us back home.  Put that kind of price tag on it and maybe we will start to pay more attention to what we commit our brothers, sisters and children to.  If it can't get to our hearts, lets give a kick to our pocketbooks.

I just checked, no news yet.  Work tomorrow, it is now after midnight and I need sleep.  I think I will take some Ibuprofen first; I feel the start of a headache.  :-P

I know this post hasn't included anything specifically about sailing,  just life.  But really, shifting to a life of sailing will include all aspects of life.  Even unpleasant ones.  I could avoid talking about them, but then it wouldn't be the story of an ordinary tradesman changing, just some dressed up facade with painted smiles all-round.  I don't want to do that.  That's not life.

Well, not mine anyway.  Goodnight.