Germination

As I stand in the elevator lobby on the 5th floor I gaze out over the city.  As far as I can see there are rooftops, representing hundreds of thousands of people like me who are going about their jobs today, paying bills, buying groceries, hoping to have a week or two off at some point to relax.

    Just as my view is hemmed in by the two wings of our building, my view of available "responsible" options for the future seems narrowed down.  After all, I'm already 47 with a family and a mortgage.  I have a stable job, with money going into a pension for that grand "some day" when I can "relax".  I have the usual concerns about car and house repairs and maintenance, nutrition and exercise.

Maybe it is just that "mid-life" thing, but I'm really questioning why I'm living in this particular place and time, and what exactly I am working toward.  What happened to the ideas and wonder that I felt when I was little and watched the National Geographic specials, or Wild Kingdom, or Jacques Cousteau?  Back then, I had thought that someday I would be out there looking and doing those things.  Why do I find myself somewhere so far from that?  Perhaps because I have never decided to actually head that direction.  I think now that I fell into the trap of believing all the lists of "required" qualifications; that in order to do those things I had to have some external entity approve me for it.  But really, all those approvals are by people just like me.  There is nothing more special about them or any divine blessing that gives them the stamp of approval over me.  The only reason they can do that is that I comply.  Why do I do that?  Why do I fall in line so easily?  Am I so desperate for validation by the social structure that I am willing to limit my individuality to the marketing schemes I am told to?

Frustrating.

Frustrated.

How can I teach my daughter that the world is a wide and beautiful place to explore while living a life in a trench?  I can see the world out there, as big and as wondrous as ever.  I find I talk myself out of change, because I don't see the answers right away, because I can't guaranty my plan of going from A to B.  But the truth is that there is hardly any more risk in change than to stay where I am.  I know this, but it still feels like a mountain sits in the path.  Maybe it is because I have a wide range of skills that this is so frustrating.  Most jobs require the use of such a narrow skill set that after a few years our other knowledge fades away due to atrophy.  For some reason mine seem to linger, and beat on the cage walls, constantly wanting fresh air and to be fed.  I don't want to wake up one day and find I'm one of the bitter and grumpy old tradesmen with a drinking problem.

I'm far more than a job title.  I'm far more than another taxpayer, or a gym member, or a "like" on a facebook page.  But no one will ever know unless I get up and walk that direction.

So, where to go from here?  Out.  One step.  Then more.  How?  After all, I don't want to be foolish.  Do I?  Why?  Why not?  A plan is in order I think.

So, I would like to sail out to some of those pacific islands that I used to see in the documentaries and write up a "where are they now" article.  I will, of course, check to see if it has already been done.  But reef surveys will be increasingly valuable as the planet keeps changing.  So, how to set about it.

Well, I would need a boat.  I would need some means of support.  I would need equipment.  I would need to brush up on my navigation and radio skills.  I also need to document the whole journey, from now until I either accomplish it or fail.  This will let others see either how they can do it, or how not to do it.

I have seen other do this, so I know it is possible.  I have not heard of any tradesmen doing it, at least not yet.  Possibly because most of us are not known for our ways with words.  This will be good then.  If few ever record the journey, history will never know that it was made, and others may accept the trench as inescapable.

The biggest challenge is the decision to set out.  It is much easier to commit to a different rut in the trench and call it "change".  It feels much safer.

Saner.

This idea looks more like a psychotic break than a change of direction.  It might not work.  Then again, it might.  Regardless of what happens, I'm not getting out of life alive so in the end there is nothing to lose and much to gain.